The Embarrassing Life of Sum Tim Wong

December 11, 2010

Chow Chee Beng and the Used Underwear Scam

Today, the resident class pervert came up to me and spoke in a hushed tone, “could you help me with something today after school?” I was suspicious and asked him what it was. He replied that it was a secret, but it was something good. I rejected him instantly because when Chow Chee Beng mentions the word “good”, it will inevitably mean something ‘pervertish’. He put his fat arms around my neck and threatened to tell Miss Ng that I had been staring at her panties during English lesson! The cheek of that guy! He was the one staring at her all the time! I just joined in like a week ago!

Anyhow, I didn’t really want to anger him so I agreed on condition that it’s nothing illegal. He grinned like a Cheshire cat (what’s a Cheshire cat anyway?) and commanded me to wait for him at the main gate after school.

I couldn’t really concentrate in class for the remainder of the day as I tried to imagine what Chow Chee Beng had up his sleeves. When the bell rang after the final lesson, I was practically soaked in perspiration from worrying! I tried to force Adrian to go with me but he said he had to rush for his C Programming Class. NERD!

Chow Chee Beng was already at the school gate waiting for me. I asked him where he was going and he told me not to worry and to just follow him. He had his arm around my shoulders and I felt extremely uncomfortable. Along the way, he revealed to me that he had a crush on Karen Chin! I was this close to smacking his balls but I controlled myself and even forced a smile. I am becoming such a hypocrite!

After walking about ten minutes, we stopped in front of a shop selling female lingerie. What is this pervert trying to do? He whipped out 50 dollars and told me to buy girls’ underwear with it. I shook my head immediately and was about to leave but he tightened his grip on my shoulder and stared menacingly at me. I asked him what he needed the underwear for? He told me he had a brilliant idea for making money. He was going to sell those underwear online. He just needed to market them as used underwear won by Singaporean teenage girls. He said he got the idea from a Japanese porn website.

I was absolutely flabbergasted. How could somebody even think of something like that is beyond me. I asked him why he can’t just buy them himself. He said I look like someone who will buy female underwear! WHAT! The nerve of him! Before I could even protest, he pushed me into the shop and reminded me about the threat of telling Miss Ng about my perversions! This guy is the absolute tops! I guess this is what Miss Ng meant when she taught us the idiom “Pot calling the kettle black.”

I stepped into the shop and the sales assistant eyed me like a hawk. I gave a cheesy grin and walked over to the ‘cheap panties’ section. She followed me like a lion eyeing her prey. I felt extremely uncomfortable and loserish. This had to rank as one of the most embarrassing things that happened to me.

There was a sign that said “3 For $10!!!!” Just what the cheapo pervertish Chow Chee Beng wanted.

I grabbed 15 of those and proceeded to the cashier’s. The salesgirl started to pack the panties into the plastic bag and all the time her eyes were staring at me, as if I was some kind of pervert. I felt I had to explain myself.

“That fat guy ask me to buy one.” I pointed at Chow Chee Beng, who was waiting excitedly outside the shop. Without even bothering to look at him, she replied in a cold manner,” 50 dollar.” I passed her the money and dashed out of the shop. Without a word of thanks, Chow Chee Beng snatched the plastic bag from me and started to guffaw like a hyena.

I made a mental note to write an email to Chen Jue Jue to expose this pervert!


Meeting the Discipline Master

When I told my mum that the discipline master wanted to meet her, I expected two scenarios to take place. A) She would scream her head off at me and wake up the entire neighborhood (obviously I am exaggerating) or B) She would start sobbing and make me feel really guilty. So it was a real surprise to me that the first words coming out from her mouth was “Is he cute?”. I was so stunned that I actually answered her ridiculous question. “He’s balding and has a very big tummy.”

She barely looked up from her Elle magazine and remarked,”Bald men can be sexy too.” I was afraid she didn’t quite understand the seriousness of the situation so I repeated to her. “You know the discipline master wants to see you because I was late right?” She looked up from her magazine for the first time and stared right into my eyes.

“Are you scared? It’s just a small matter. Don’t worry! I have it all worked out.” Upon hearing this statement, I actually became quite worried. When mum says she has it all worked out, it usually backfires in a devastating manner!

The next day, my mother squeezed into a tight fitting tank top and I reminded her that we were meeting the discipline master and not going Orchard for shopping. She mumbled something in Mandarin, kissed Pe Pe goodbye and shoved me out the door. Pe Pe started howling. She hates being left alone at home.

Before we entered the school, mum reminded me to keep quiet and look sad. I nodded, still unsure of what plan she actually had up her sleeve. We went to look for Chen Jue Jue (nicknamed Jie Jie) at his desk. He gave a wide smile and invited both of us to sit down. He even asked if we had breakfast already. Such a different attitude from that day! What a hypocrite!

He then proceeded to tell my mum that I had been late quite a number of times lately. I was about to correct him because I was only late TWO TIMES and I had a valid explanation for BOTH TIMES! But anyway before I could open my mouth, I heard sobbing noises coming from my mum. I glanced over at her and to my amazement, she was actually shedding tears. Is this what they mean by crocodile tears? At this particular moment, she did resemble a baby crocodile.

In between sobs, she told Chen Jue Jue that my dad passed away when I was at a young age, how she struggled to make ends meet, and how I had to help her at night to do household chores, how I studied till the wee hours of morning. I was genuinely impressed with the kind of stories she could craft. I finally discovered my mom’s talent. ACTING! She would be really great in those auntie roles dominated by Chen Liping and Xiang Yun! I actually think my mum looks better than both of them.

By the time she finished, I thought I saw a tear rolling down Chen Jue Jue’s cheek. He consoled my mum and passed her a brand new packet of Winnie the Pooh tissue. Mum proceeded to blow into the tissue for dramatic effect. Chen Jue Jue then looked at me and said in Mandarin, “Finally I understand. Don’t worry. If there’s any problem, you can always come to me.”

My mum then asked for his number, which Chen Jue Jue gave willingly. As we were walking away, mom whispered in my ear,”He’s quite cute ma. So compassionate.”

Note to self: Accidentally delete Chen Jue Jue’s number from her handphone!


December 10, 2010

My plan to know Karen Chin

Today during recess I told Adrian that I was in love with Karen Chin. He barely looked up from the mee siam he was eating and proceeded to explain how he won a million chips in Texas Hold Em Poker online last night. I was like “Dude. I don’t even play Poker!”

The thing about Adrian is that he’s the smartest guy around when there’s anything remotely resembling a computer. But when it comes to girls, he’s like the biggest idiot around. Sometimes I wonder if he’s already in his puberty. There was once I wanted to check his dick for hair but he got so paranoid about it that he wore two underwears from that day onwards. I don’t see why he’s so secretive about it. I suspect he hasn’t even grown any hair yet.

Anyway I came up with a plan to record Karen’s voice. When I told the plan to Adrian, his reply was “Don’t you think that’s like a bit pervert?” I retorted that perverts are people who steal other’s underwear or have some weird fetish like sunbathing in the nude or something. He didn’t seem very convinced.

Anyway the plan was for him to record her voice during Choir lessons. Both Adrian and Karen are from the choir and I have wanted to join but the teacher heard my audition and immediately banned me from attending any singing lessons in the future.

Adrian is too caught up with the pervert idea and refused to help me. He said that he’s not going to risk becoming a pervert just to record her voice for me! So much for being best friends. I reminded him that I was the one who lent him money after he spent it all on buying reward points on Mafia Wars.

He reluctantly said he’ll try. YES! My first step towards getting to know Karen!

My Mum can’t cook!

Today I was tending some crops in my farmville on Facebook when I heard a loud explosion coming from the kitchen. I ran out in a panic, half expecting some terrorist storming into the house and bombing our kitchen. To my relief, it was only my mum. Her face was pale as a piece of white paper.

At the stove, I saw broken pieces of our cooking ware, and two pieces of eggs and a whole lot of uncooked instant noodles. Some sort of explosion had happened at the stove. In her panic, my mum forgot to turn off the stove and I dashed forward to switch it off. Just my luck that I stepped on one of those broken pieces of glass. I screamed like a hyena in heat.

Mum screamed even louder and I was actually more scared of her screams than the glass in my feet.

“Don’t panic. I’m going to call the ambulance.” She screamed.

“No need! Just help me pluck out the glass.”

“I can’t. I can’t. I’ll faint. I’m going to call the ambulance.”

I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of those ambulance officers so I immediately sat down and pluck out the piece of glass. My mum started crying and hugging me so tight against her ample bosom that I felt myself choking.

I found out later that mum had tried to cook instant noodles in one of our Corning Kitchen Ware which was NOT SUPPOSED to be used for excessive heating. Why can’t she just use a bloody pot?

Just my luck to have a mum who can’t even cook!

And by the way, I was made to clean up the mess after her. Despite my feet still hurting from the piece of broken glass!!!!

The PE Lesson

Today is the school PE lesson. I don’t really like the school PE lesson cause I believe Mr Tan is a bit of a sadist and he enjoys making the boys carry the super thick mattress and running around the bloody tracks. I have been asking my mother to write in to complain about this but she sees nothing wrong with running around carrying mattresses.

“It’s much worse in the army! Toughen up will ya?”

Ya like she has been to the army! Great advice from someone whose only form of exercise is playing mahjong!

Anyway, the only saving grace about PE is that I get to see Karen Chin in her super short shorts. She had killer legs and just about everyone in class has a crush on her. Even the class nerd Ah Ti admitted that he carried a torch for her. Forget it Ah Ti! She’s mine!

Today I formulated a plan to impress her. Before we start our mattress carrying exercise, Mr Tan always make us do some warm up exercises on the tracks. My plan was to do sit ups on the tracks and have Adrian count out real loud a very high number when Karen Chin walk past.

So there I was in the afternoon sun with Adrian holding onto my legs. I tried to conserve energy first so that when she walk past, I would be like superhuman fast. Then from the corner of my eye, I noticed her approching. I gave Adrian the signal and he giggled like a girl. Seriously Adrian, I love you but you got to stop laughing like a bloody girl!

As I saw Karen within a few meters from me, I started to do my sit ups at an amazing speed.

Then Adrian screamed at the top of his voice “Five hundred and seventy three! Five hundred and seventy four! Five hundred and seventy five!”

That stupid idiot! I didn’t ask him to count so high! I said one hundred! Anyway because he shouted so loud, Karen Chin looked over in my direction and smiled. That was the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. I froze and I wanted to smile back but my mouth kind of opened in an O shape and I froze.

At the moment, her friend Shabnam (nicknamed Uganda Giant) whispered something in her ear and they laughed. I was sure she was saying something about me because Shabnam continued to look in my direction while giggling!

I didn’t know how to react so I just continued with my sit-ups which Adrian continued to count up at a ridiculous number. I signalled for him to stop but he got the wrong idea and counted at an even higher number. The girls continued to laugh and walk away before I gave Adrian a piece of my mind.

After PE, we went to the canteen to get a drink and Adrian asked me to go to his house to play MAFIA WARS after school. I was still angry with him so I told him I had something important to attend to.

When will I get to speak with my princess????

Peeping at Miss Ng’s underwear

I fianlly figured out the mystery of why our class ‘gangster-wannabe’ Chow Chee Beng loves to sit right in front during Miss Ng’s lesson. Basically, Chee Beng is only in school on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. The rest of the time he is in the snookerium in Meridien Hotel. I heard his ambition is to be the national snooker player. I wish him all the best though I think he needs to go through some plastic surgery if he was going to appear on national television. He looks like the fatter version of Xiao Ding Dang’s best friend Da Xiong.

Anyway, I decided to pay close attention to Chee Beng during Miss Ng’s english lesson. As usual, he forced Ah Ti to sit behind as he replaced him at the front of the class. Ah Ti mumbled somethng and obediently left his seat.

Miss Ng had this habit of sitting on the table in front of the class, and I noticed today. She would cross her leg and through my intense observation, I realized that she would cross and uncross her legs whenever she got excited such as when she was telling us the importance of using good vocabulary such as “laughing like a hyena”.

And purely out of my curiosity to uncover the mystery of “Chow Chee Beng”, I noticed that when she crossed and uncrossed her legs, Chee Beng’s eyes would widen in anticipation. Then I saw it! It was Miss Ng’s lacy black underwear!

So that’s the reason why Chee Beng is paying such close attention to Miss Ng! He’s a pervert! I had half a mind to report this to Miss Ng and take revenge for the time he took my art project and kicked it around class like some football.

But I decided against it cause Chee Beng was basically about twice my size and I was sure he won’t take very kindly to me exposing his ‘hobby’. Well, guess if you can’t beat them you got to join them.

Note to self: Change seat with Adrian during English lessons.

Late for School

During breakfast today, I reminded Mom never to call me at the school again. I am not sure if she heard me cause her head was buried in Women’s Weekly.

“I think I am suffering from a yeast infection! Yucks!”

Seriously, I don’t know why I am constantly subjected to information like this, especially when I am eating a plate full of scrambled eggs. I basically lost my appetite, grabbed my Ninja Turtle bag (note to self: Need to earn enough money to change the stupid bag!) and headed to the bus stop.

On the bus to school, something ridiculous happened. Bus 73 is always pretty crowded. But I managed to get a seat near the door. I only sat on the seat for like a minute when an old man got on the bus and stood right in front of me. On the rare occasion that I got a seat on the damn bus this old dude choose to stand right in front of me!

I grudgingly got up from my seat and before my butt could unstick itself from the seat, this woman squeezed in and prodded herself on the seat instead!

I was dumbfounded. What nerve!

She had the cheek to say “Thank you ah boy!” She looked like she has just gone to the market and had two big red plastic bags full of smelly seafood. What happened next was pretty amazing. The frail old man shouted at her in some hokkien language which I totally don’t understand. But from the woman’s reaction, I assumed it went along the line of “Why the beep do you want to beep beep beep!”

She replied in China-accented Mandarin “He offered the seat to me! Yes or no ah boy?” She turned to me and gave me one of those sweet innocent smile. I have seen the smile somewhere! YES! Exactly like Pe Pe when she wanted a treat from me.

Before I could even open my mouth, the old man shouted in some hokkien language and then turned to me and spoke softly in hokkien. He flashed a big grin and I realized he had no teeth! Wow! I sure don’t want to be like him when I am this old!

Note to self: Brush teeth at night!!!!

Anyway I assumed he was asking me if the seat was for him. Can you imagine the pressure I got? I finally understood what it felt like to be like Obama! Can you imagine him dealing with tough questions all day long!

I must admit I am the sort who cracks under pressure! I stared at them for while, flashed them a toothy grin, pressed the bell and dashed off the bus! And it’s not even my stop!

And guess what? I was late because of that! Chen Jue Jue the school discipline master chose TODAY to actually meet all the latecomers after assembly. He took one look at me, made some comment about my untidy uniform and said in perfect Mandarin “I want to see your parents!” I was in shock. And when I am in shock, I have a habit of opening my mouth a lot wider than it normally is.

I think Chen Jue Jue must have noticed that because he said “Are you ok? Something wrong with your mouth?” I tried to explain to him the reason I was late but he said coldly “Think of a better excuse next time!” WHAT?! He’s an absolute DH!

I think my mum is going to freak out! God bless me!


Why my parents give me this name?

Now first things first! I have just about had enough of people laughing at my name. I mean, I am not just talking about those childish classmates of mine. Today, even our principal Mr Sivalingam guffawed aloud like a hyena (although I have never heard a hyena guffaw but our form teacher Miss Sng seems to love this phrase and basically forces us to memorize it for our compo) when he heard my name being called through the PA system.

Now I have my mother to thank for promoting me to some legendary nerd status in school. She refused to let me bring a handphone to school simply because the school had rules against using it in class. Oh come on! Everyone’s using it! Even the class nerd Ah Ti! He secretly uses it to play the stupid Farmville during Maths Lesson. Not that Mr Sum the snake king would mind.

Anyway, back to my story.

So my very cute mother chooses to call me in school during recess time. The school clerk Mrs Wong Ah Li must have had a whale of a time screaming into the PA system. “Sum Tim Wong! Paging for Sum Tim Wong! Please come to the office. Your mother is calling for you! Maybe got something wrong!” I could hear her sniggering after the comments. Note to self: I will make sure I make ten prank phone calls to school during holidays!

At that time, I was sitting in the canteen and our principal Mr Sivalingam was sitting just two tables in front of me. He was in the midst of devouring the mee rebus when the announcement was made. I swear he laughed so hard that one of the mee rebus noodles was snorted out through his nose. Of course no one noticed because everyone was laughing at the bloody announcement, i.e. my name!

Obviously I didn’t get up from my seat. I tried to act normal by whistling a tune but my stupid friend Adrian kept nudging me to get up. I feel like emptying the glass of fruit juice over his oversized pimpled face!

I waited a good one and a half minute before I got up and pretended to go to the toilet. At that moment Mrs Wong’s voice boomed through the PA system again. “Sum Tim Wong! Please come to the office immediately. Your mother is waiting. Sum Tim Wong! Is there something wrong?”

I am not even kidding! The nerve! How dare she. I swear I will give her a peice of my mind when I reach the office. I even thought of the exact words I was going to say to her when I was walking along the corridor to the office.

When I reached the office, all the clerks’ eyes were zoomed in on me. Then Mrs Wong started laughing. I finally understood what Miss Ng means when she said “guffaw like a hyena”. She resembled a big, fat ugly hyena and her maggi mee hair kept jerking back and forth as she continued to guffaw for a good ten seconds.

“your phone!” she managed to say those words in between her hysterical laughter.

I took the phone and mumbled “Thank you.” I am so disappointed with myself. What happened to all those swear words that I had prepared for her on the way to the office. “THANK YOU!” I can’t believe myself. I am such a wimp!

And guess what my mother had to tell me.

“boy ah! Where you put Pe Pe’s toy ah?”

I froze. She called me during recess time just to ask me where is my dog’s toy? I had a string of vulgarities floating through my mind but I could only manage a weak “In the top drawer in my cupboard.”

“Oh Ok! She going crazy! Always trying to bite my leg!”

Why am I not surprise? I hung up the phone and bolted back to class. Everyone started singing this song when I entered the class.

“Sum Tim Wong. Sum Tim Wong.” I don’t know the rest of the lyrics but it went along the tune of Edelwiss. Dennis Leu was the one who invented the song and he was standing in front of the class, pretending to be some conductor in a classical musical.

I hated his guts.

The worst thing was that Karen Chin, the love of my life, was singing along and laughing together with the rest of the class! I wish I could bury my head in the ground like an ostrich.

Seriously, what kind of parents would give their son such a name???? I hate them!

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